I think it is safe to say that most people do not carry within them, the legacy of being hated. I have met only a few clients over the years, not too many, who have come to me with this lineage of pain inside them. Like venom that was placed on top of them and that seeped into them, they have a long journey ahead, to remove the hate that was embedded into them. Not wanted in pregnancy, not wanted after being born, rejected because of a serious malfunction in the mother, hated because you were simply alive. An inconvenience, an unwanted baby, a difficult baby, a fussy baby. Maybe just being a baby was enough to be hated for you. In childhood, hate can be shown to you because of you being different, too quiet, too loud. Too shy, too bossy. Too weird. Too much of a joke. Too needy. Bullying and rejection from the people who live outside of your home, hardens the message of hate. I have seen only a few people who have battled the legacy of being hated, since birth. It is quite the legacy to overcome. Unwanted. Traumatised maybe from the get go. It feels like existing in a cloud of hate, as you silently observe the hateful and rejecting faces of most people around you. You do not belong. Like a fingerprint, that was stamped on top of you at birth, you feel wrong. I am wrong. With no safe mother to care for you, you are vulnerable to more meanness and hate outside of the home. Its everywhere you go. Home tells you you are wrong. Kids tell you you are wrong. A shameful experience to 'be' wrong. The experience is always that of hate, when you get down to it. I am hated. That's how it feels. No love, no eyes that shine bright when they see you. I see this in clients, that that legacy simply perpetuates as they move along in their life. Like a conveyer belt of hate and rejection, it attracts only those broken and horrible people in this world, who love to judge and poke fun. Romantic relationships and friendships seem to just cement in, you are wrong.
By the time a client comes to see me, with this legacy, they fill me with stories of bullying, endless bitchiness, sexist comments and actions that have plagued them, relationships based on narcissistic abuse and coercive control, and more. And what is worse, every single person I have ever met with this legacy, have been the most softest and tenderest and loving people. I remember every single client who has come to me, with this issue. Unforgettable. Usually a person like this needs years of therapy to rid themselves of the venom that is glued into them. And no work is more rewarding than, seeing someone rip that venom out, and replace it with light and love. Inside.
The despair and hopelessness a client can feel, at the beginning of such work is total. How could talking ever touch, a dark life, lived alone. How could a person ever be rid of the poisonous goo that clings to them telling them they are not enough. That tells them they are unlovable, ugly, too fat, too skinny, too loud, too quiet, too much, not enough, weird, a joke, laughable, weak, too girly, too boyish, a sissy, not manly, too rough, a handful, a pain, an irritation. Never Enough.
These people will find themselves marrying abusive people. No doubt. People who continue the message, you are disgusting. You are horrible. I cannot love you. Of course, it is plain as day to me the Therapist, to see that these vulnerable people just find themselves victim to the most awful people on this planet. Like Bambi getting in bed with a snake. It's simply a bad match. Awful people get to hate away, enjoying themselves hugely, as they continue the abuse and humiliation of this poor soul. Never loved. Clients locked into abusive partnerships, cannot see it is the snake they are with that is the problem, not them. How would you know love, if you never really had it.
An Antidote To Hate
The only way out, as far as I can see, is to be loved. To be loved by the therapist, and then to learn to love yourself. The experience of love. This isn't self-care or something. This is sitting in the presence of actual Love. Being held and loved by another is the way. Loved for all that you are. Loved actually 'because' of who you are. Being seen and loved, is Transformative. The experience always feels to me like Light. I sit with these most beautiful people, and cannot help but love them, and shine on them, and will that over to them in the space. Therapy without this, is way less powerful in my opinion. There is no match for being in the presence of someone who actually likes you, and who is willing you on, because of how wonderful you are. You feel it. The experience is undeniable. And it heals the hate. It's not that simple obviously, but that presence of love within a safe relationship is beautifully powerful. I then see Clients begin to feel love within themselves too. They begin to shine on themselves, a light of awareness and compassion, on their deeper shadow shameful parts. No judgements. Acceptance. I am flawed but I am not wrong. I am fundamentally good. I am lovable. I am enough.
I write this is try to describe something I rarely see spoken about. The transformation of a life of being hated and rejected, into an inner world of love and acceptance. It is possible. I hope some things I have written here, can guide you, or give you food for thought, if you are struggling with the experience of being hated in your life, or if you have experienced hateful comments, or hateful experiences. Allow these wounds to heal, and let go of the hate within yourself. It is not your hate, it is theirs. Hand it back.